Someone I love is currently struggling with memory issues. It's clearly difficult and often discouraging for this person to live with. My daily hope and prayer is that someone - including myself! - will speak words of encouragement, especially during a season when even small criticisms can go deep amidst the sea of self-doubts. Even with a limited memory, this person is intelligent and kind. A limited memory has not changed the worth or value of this loved one. This is true of each one of us who is struggling in some way. Which is every one of us. And so this week the focus is on encouragement, that we may each help each other along and increasingly love one another...
One of my favorite relationship books is Love Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman. He presents the different ways individuals communicate and receive love. For example, some people feel particularly loved when they receive a gift of any size - the idea that someone was thinking of them touches their hearts. Others feel especially loved when another person sets aside quality time to be together, causing the person to feel loved and valued. Other love languages are: acts of service (when another person does something helpful, like the dishes or running errands), physical touch, and words of encouragement. Sometimes relationships struggle when the two people involved have different love languages, because of the difference in how the love is being communicated. If both people love each other yet seem to be missing connection, allow me suggest to the book. He presents the important nuances of each love language and suggests practical ways to communicate and receive love. This book has strengthened nearly all of my relationships and has developed a great joy within myself for my "least" language of gift giving, though my primary love language is definitely words of encouragement.
Typically a person's love language is the area with the greatest potential for both relational pleasure and pain. For example, I am much less affected if someone forgets to give me a gift than if someone says something discouraging to me. And while I do truly enjoy a thoughtful gift, I am more uplifted by a sincere compliment or encouragement. (Ok, when the two are done together, I admit it makes my week - such as a time I received scented soap and lotion alongside a sweet thank you note!)
Sometimes I hear myself say things better left unsaid, or at least said in a different way, and perhaps at a different time and place. There have been times when I have unintentionally communicated criticism merely by making too many suggestions, as if the person wasn't capable of figuring it out themselves. I do believe we benefit from sharing knowledge and experience - but I also believe there is a balance in communicating one's confidence in the other person's resourcefulness and capabilities. (I am growing in the process of sometimes choosing to wait to be asked.) In the movie, The Help, one of the nannies says to the child in her care, "You is kind. You is smart. You is important." This seems to me to be a wonderful message to pass on not only to children, but to each person we love. No one is perfect or without faults. Yet we have the power to build each other up, in essence helping to draw out the best within each other. We have the power of vision to help those who are struggling to see the good and talents within themselves. We have the power to lighten someone's load on a day of heavy burdens. This is a tremendous amount of power within our tongues.
Of course, it begins in our minds, as words are simply vocalized thoughts. For example, will my husband focus on my lack of foresight to have groceries available for our dinner, or will he focus on my willingness to drop my own plans to bring his glasses to school? (I'm blessed he does the latter!) Such simple examples, yet the stuff life is made of. What (good) in the person and relationship are we going to choose to hang onto and magnify? (I heard someone say, the things we give attention to grow larger.) Whether something requires forgiveness, or a change in expectation, or acceptance of a difference in opinion, what are we willing to let go of for love of the other person? It doesn't matter if its a marriage relationship, a parent-child relationship, a sibling, or a friend: Our thoughts and words matter.
Even if it isn't someone's main love language.
Proverbs 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
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