Not too long ago someone asked me how I can be certain my faith in God is right. The answer can be short and simple, speaking figuratively like the blind man Jesus healed, who told those who questioned him, "One thing I do know, that though I was blind now I see." That is really the core truth of the matter. But like the blind man, may I offer details and pieces of my journey...
This week I was cleaning out my basement and came across several old journals. The repeated themes were (are!) of my struggles and of God's resulting help. One of the journals recounted an event in the first year of our marriage. We were living in our first apartment building and decided to move because I had grown in conviction about having a cat when the lease we signed clearly stated no pets. I spent two months looking for a new apartment, of which there were many in the area, and of which none worked out for us. The day before the lease was up, the management sent out letters saying they were now going to allow indoor cats. It had not even occurred to me to pray for such a thing!
This is one of many, many accounts from my life (our lives) that demonstrate God's tender care, mercy, and grace. And his power to do more than we can ask or imagine - willingly! I believe he takes great pleasure in surprising us with good things. However, the most profound moments are not the many provisions, or even the relational and physical healings, but the moments alone in his presence. He is my dearest, closest, and most faithful friend - while also being Holy, God Almighty, Creator of the universe. This means, though I love him and know him, I in fact know him only in part. Yet He loves me so personally and so tenderly I know he is always with me, just as he says. He is glorious. His ways are not my (our) ways. But it is this LOVE that draws me.
For God IS LOVE. (I John 4:16)
Some, like the 80's song, may ask, "What's love got to do with it? What's love but a second-hand emotion?" Well, that strikes me as a very pertinent and philosophical line of questioning. Most (all??) people are looking for happiness/joy. Most (all??) people find a large portion of that joy in loving and being loved. But what is love?
I have other journals from times when I was seeking for the answer to this question. Maybe I spent more time thinking about this as a young teenager because my parents were divorced. While I can now recall many good examples of love, as a child I was somewhat preoccupied with the conflict, pain, and heartache of various relationships around me.
Well, what family doesn't have conflict and heartache? Answer: None. (Though it does seem those with any type of generational history of substance abuse and/or divorce end up with more dysfunction than others. The lack of outer stability often causes an inner drive for control and self-attained security.) I also observed and experienced a sense of shame in others and in myself; again, who hasn't ? I will come back to broken relationships and shame in a little bit. For now, let me repeat the question I was left grappling with as an insecure 13 year-old: What is LOVE? I was so blind and so lost; there was no solid ground in me or around me... I was empty and wanting to find truth and love - and yes, purpose - in a world of unknowns and inner despair...
I knew what love wasn't - at least not to me: Love was not a reason to try to make other's choices for them, even if well intended or wise. Love was not angry, mean words later regretted. Love was not unforgiveness, bitterness, or recalling every past failure or shortcoming of the other person. Love was not about being "owed" something in return for every kindness given. Admittedly my own understandings and opinions were somewhat simplistic and idealistic. I had little understanding of boundaries, communicating truth in love, or the season of parental authority - yet I knew there was something more to what love is. Most importantly, I knew real love was not an emotion that was here today and questionable tomorrow - it had to be more than just some romantic emotional roller coaster.
It was around this junior high time that I began attending youth group. My mom insisted I attend "just one" retreat to see if it was something I would enjoy. I did. And so I attended many retreats over the next six years. Somewhere in that very first year, I began to hear how God's love was all the things my heart had been telling me love should be like. I began to respond to this love and God's invitation to know him more. Eventually I willingly put my life in his hands, surrendering it - in degrees - to his wisdom and instructions. (Still working on it.)
To this day, the definition of love, as defined by God's Word - and the demonstration of that love in the life, death, and powerful resurrection of Jesus Christ - is the reason I am convinced God is good and God is God. This is the definition that rings true in my heart and soul.
This is how the God I seek to know, love, and follow defines love:
Love is: Patient. Kind. Delights in the truth. Protects. Trusts. Hopes. Perseveres.
Love does not: Envy. Boast. Dishonor others. Seek selfish gains. Keep records of wrongs. Delight in evil. Ever fail or end. - I Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV
Jesus demonstrated this perfect love. For me, for you. There is so much more I could and want to say. There is so much more to my story - to all God has done in me and for me - and even through me. Things that have happened that have deepened my understanding of how deep, wide, and long the love of God is - who gave his perfect son to pay for my redemption. There is NO OTHER GOD THAT LOVES AND SAVES. There is human love, human kindness, human efforts - and every one falls short - including me. There is no other definition of love that compares to the one in the Word of God. And there is no other person that has lived a life of pure love, other than that of Jesus Christ. For those reasons alone I would choose him every time. For those reasons alone I am convinced of the "rightness" and real truth of who God is and of his Word - even in the things I cannot yet comprehend. And I will never, by the grace and love of God, ever turn back or let go - for he has promised never to let go of me. In him I found the truth that I was designed by Love. To receive that Love and to give that Love to others. I am wonderfully and uniquely made - and so are you...
I encourage you to read the Gospel of John for yourself - wait upon God with a humble and expectant heart, that you may taste and see that he is truly good and truly loves you - no matter what your problems. Talk to him -be real and honest; he knows it all and can handle it - and forgive it. We are all broken and in need. This relationship with God is always more about his love for us than ours for him.
He heals.
He redeems.
He restores.
He mends.
He forgives.
He strengthens.
He provides.
I encourage you to ask him what plans and purposes he has for you and to give you the belief and strength to grow in those things.
I choose God because He is love. But also because, by that very fact, he acts on our behalf in all these listed ways! He takes away the past shame and sorrows I spoke of earlier - and will continue to do so! He turns them to joy as he leads us through the valleys and up to the mountain tops as we journey and grow.
He is always the perfect parent there to forgive and help each one. No prodigal will be turned away. No sin is too heavy or deep. Yet pride, unbelief, and a lack of surrender will most likely slow or impede progress in the relationship - it is always a free choice to know him more, regardless of where we are in our journey with him. He is not pushy. OR a pushover. In general, he speaks when one is ready to hear and follow. In general, he will repeat what he last said until it IS followed: He forgives and even redeems our detours, but rarely gives short cuts. And all the while he is extending the invitation to come abide with him, eat and drink with him...
know more of his amazing and very personal love...
"As a deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God." -Psalm 42:1 (NLT)
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